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🏆 Eating Disorder & PCOS Journalist & Speaker // Author of ‘I Haven’t Shaved In Six Weeks’ Blog // Seen on TODAY, Cosmo, Wash Po, etc. // 💛⛰🌈📝🚐
I haven’t really touched on my own experience in a bit. The truth is it’s getting farther from me with every passing month (cue me freaking out wanting to get this damn book done) • But I do wanna touch on the experience of how long it took to believe my own recovery. • And I straight up think it took me years before I trusted the process. • I slipped multiple in times in the first 5 years. And it’s been the last 2 that I’ve really felt the shift in my brain. • To not count Cals automatically. To not have any tick to purge or binge. To finally not rely on a gym. • I will still have more to do. And in 5 years I’ll probably be shocked at how much it evolved from now to then. • A fucking triumph. • The thing I’m most proud of. • To be able to write this to you & know that I mean what I say 💛 • • • #recoveryispossible #recoveryfamily #recovery #edfam #edfamily #anorexiarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #edawareness #bulimiarecovery #bingeeatingrecovery #edrecovery
that’s functional: two legs that transplant me from A to B, two arms that can type this post, a back that is crooked – and yet still allows me to summit 14ers, a core that’s allowing me flexibility to practice yoga. but it’s an interesting perspective when you write to your body like it’s a person, even a friend. Because I don’t feel like I’m as smart as the people I surround myself with and I don’t expect that my body image plague will leave me on the days it’s intrinsically bad, but I have noticed a sense of feeling like I’m
Someone left a comment on my last post about atypical anorexia being invalidating anddddd I just really want to make clear today that I totally hear that, see that, and want to acknowledge - through the rabbit hole research I did this morning - that it’s a too common for people with this diagnosis to then not seek treatment. • If you have an experience with this, please leave a comment or answer my DMs. • I was diagnosed with Atypical Anorexia when I went to treatment and while I didn’t find it necessarily invalidating — I did always think I wasn’t sick enough bc I wasn’t “like the other womxn” that I shared treatment with (all womxn facility). • Anyway, just want to state this for anyone not seeking treatment or help bc they feel they need to get sick enough to deserve it. • Hate that our culture perpetuates this. • And RIPower BT - flying to Louisville today to visit my partners family. • Will be thinking of her & the absolute injustice of our system 💛 • • #recoveryispossible #recoveryfamily #recovery #edfam #edfamily #anorexiarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #edawareness #bulimiarecovery #bingeeatingrecovery #edrecovery #atypicalanorexia
A month ago, I was on a connecting flight in San Francisco to go to Europe and Morocco indefinitely (okay, probably like a month because money doesn’t grow on trees): (I’m going through a quarter-life crisis, we’ll call it), go makeup free, taste Cafe Con Leche at cafes, wander the streets of Europe again in flowing skirts and stop in Seville in southern Spain to reminisce of my year there as an au pair (I do not recommend being an au pair FYI This is why every time I’m insanely productive with writing is right up until the moment that I’m given a deadline. We couldn’t do anything without permission, couldn’t go anywhere outside of the compound we were in, and our lives were unfolding and we had little control of time or days.
On the days you think you miss it. I know they happen. I feel them in my bones when they do. It’s like a reoccurring belief that just keeps coming back. • A feedback loop that you’ve felt and thought so many times until you’ve felt and thought it so many times you can’t remember if it’s lying to you or if maybe - just maybe - there’s a hint of truth to it and all of us out here telling you to not believe it are bullshit artists getting paid to write this stuff. • Eating disorders aren’t so interesting in the ways they manipulate our beliefs and thoughts. • I told my ex once in an argument that I thought he actually preferred me when I was in anorexia because I was so motivated and put together and now he just has to pretend to want me in recovery... to which he was like “you do realize that I wouldn’t have ever been here if you weren’t in recovery. I met you in recovery. I don’t even know who you were before....” • But like somehow in my head I figured he had scanned pics or read enough of my blogs to know me in Anorexia and be secretly like “oh I wish I knew her then....” • So baffling. I don’t think that way necessarily anymore but I do struggle with my current partner in little ways still. • If he doesn’t like immediately shower me with love for an outfit or whatever I’m like “do you not like how I look!!!!!!” • What a peach I must be to date. • But all this stuff, it unwinds in time. I don’t even remember how to be in anorexia anymore which is a strange loss of identity. • I can’t even believe I could be in anorexia now. Like god how hungry was I all the time. • Deep love for you all — thanks for being part of my life on here 💛 • • #recoveryispossible #recoveryfamily #recovery #edfam #edfamily #anorexiarecover #anorexiarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #edawareness #bulimiarecovery #bingeeatingrecovery #recoveryjourney #edrecoveryquotes #edrecovery
like all of the sudden I’m gonna see something catastrophic that wasn’t there literally 10 minutes before and be like ” I have this interesting leftover eating disorder thing where when I’m feeling uncomfortable in my clothes, or participating in events like weddings or some other way where I’m at the mercy of many other schedules and times, I tend to wear the same item of clothing (one that obviously feels comfortable) for days in a row. Anxious when I don’t get to choose what I’m eating for 3-4 days unless I wanna leave the group and go Uber somewhere on my own (which like I’m gonna do cause I wanna be with my friends because what else is recovery for but to enjoy the presence of being with the ones we love in this life?) I’m pretty proud of the things I’ve done in this life so far, especially in recovery, and that in itself has given me a confidence I lacked entirely in my early 20s when I was confused, bumbling out of college – and bouncing around the world with no bloody idea what I was gonna do or who I was gonna become.
A thread —> a complex thing: the brain and eating disorders and body image, with much research left to be done: but here’s a little wrap up of what is currently out on market for us to read and grow from. • Anyone ever do the thing in treatment where you had to take strings and measure what you thought you were and how it was always like obscenely off base? Made me realize how out of touch my body dysmorphia was. • I look back and I really struggled with BD. But I didn’t talk about it because it felt too weird of a thing to discuss and I didn’t know it was a thing until treatment. • Anyway, there’s more out there to read — but this is what I got for this week. • Having a not so great week in many realms of my personal life, so instead of projecting feelings on the internet I’m going to keep a lil more quiet than usual, until I really know how I feel. • Thankful for all of you - hope this is an interesting read 💛✨ • • • • #recoveryispossible #recoveryfamily #recovery #edfam #edfamily #anorexiarecover #anorexiarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #edawareness #bulimiarecovery #bingeeatingrecovery #recoveryjourney #edrecoveryquotes #edrecovery #bodyimage #bodypositive #bodyimageissues
I’ve found over the years: there’s a difference between ignorantly proclaiming to ‘not give a shit about what people think’ – and valuing perspective of the peoples who have taken great strides to know you. Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship. I used to think–and given the way my ex and I ended up, maybe I still really do–that all relationships need the kind of ferocious push that infatuation brings, just to get you started and to push you over the humps of self-denial, anxiety, past pain, and Instagram-stalking obsession. Sometimes it feels like it does, and sometimes you realize it’s nothing more than a booty call bandaid – masking the same pain that you know you’re gonna feel again at some point anyway.
Lil reminders for those of us feeling like it’s hard to eat rn in light of the sadness and loneliness and general confusion in the world. • Watching Tiny Desk performances this am (mac miller’s always makes me cry) — now onto the Challenger series, my stomach full of cinnamon rolls after eating Qdoba at like 10 last night after playing Bingo. • No guilt: or maybe a little guilt. Does it ever fully stop? But I think it’s more just recognizing thoughts as simply that: thoughts. • Repeated, recyclable. Do you know humans basically think iterations of the same thoughts like 90% of the time or some crazy number? No wonder EDs are so addicting. • What’s everyone up to this weekend? Outside of ya know - fearing the future of democracy — RIPower RBG. 2020 is just draining 💛🍩✨ • • • • #recoveryispossible #recoveryfamily #recovery #edfam #edfamily #anorexiarecover #anorexiarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #edawareness #bulimiarecovery #bingeeatingrecovery #recoveryjourney #edrecoveryquotes #edrecovery
This is a big one for me: for like 3 years I was literally the wiki image for this term bc I’ve talked about and researched it dating back to 2015. • When I was in college, we used to do this stuff on the reg. I was in my ED, wanted to socialize and be “normal” and so I’d skip dinner “the liquid diet” and drink instead. • And I wondered why I had no self control at like 11pm when my stomach was cramping and I was 2 drinks in and obsessing over the hidden cereal I had under my bed at home. • This behavior is rampant, despite the ridiculous name: it’s happening everywhere but because binge drinking is so much more prevalent and somehow accepted as part of the college years — this aspect of it gets overlooked. • I have trouble speaking to this subject knowing what I know now about alcohol, in part thanks to @laraannfrazier @therapyforwomen and @holly. In 2015 I talked about this to media with the notion of “oh I still drink though I just eat with it” — but that’s was flagrant misrepresentation of how alcohol can fuel the flames of an ED, especially new in recovery. • Anyway, I know better now so I do better. But this subject is an important one for me. • I know it’s “normal” to go out in college. I know it’s “normal” to have happy hour in your 30s even — and this drunkorexia trend, despite being most found in uni students — it’s ridiculous to think it didn’t carry on for many of us now in our 30s still holding onto these behaviors. • Lemme know your thoughts! Sources will be in story and highlights 💛 • #drunkorexia #bingedrinking #recovery #edfam #edfamily #addiction #recoveryfamily #recoveryfam #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorderawareness #edrecoveryjourney #anorexianervosarecovery #bulimiarecovery #bingeeatingrecovery #bingeeatingdisorderrecovery