Claire Macaulay

I haven’t left the city since well before lockdown, and I’m feeling so content to be away from the sandstone and smog to spend some time breathing in the sea air. without!There’s something so satisfying about working with your hands, even if it’s exhausting and at times frustrating. Ordinarily, being here would consist of trips to the pub, the chippy, the incredible bookshops of St Andrews (if you follow me on Instagram you will know about my love for one of these in particular!), but since we’ve been trying to be careful in case we bring/ contract Covid-19, it’s been a little quieter. So this is just a short one from me, because I’m eager not to lose momentum for writing on here, but I’ve included a couple of snaps I took yesterday from a walk along the harbour.

During this time, my once high-functioning brain has been slowly reducing to a pulpy mush, and the lack of stimulation hasn't been kind to my general life ethic. I played the first in the series years back, and it's dear to my heart, so in preparation for the new game coming out, I watched UberHaxorNova's playthrough of the first title. I first played Dragon Age II back in 2011 after seeing posts about it on Tumblr, and immediately went back and played Origins, the first in the series. I've read the lore, engaged in the forums, and I have Tweet notifications firmly ON for the writers and developers currently working on the fourth instalment.

I grew up feeling like I wasn't good enough - the support from my family, friends, and teachers fell on deaf ears, and I denied myself chances through fear of failing. My existence was, at times, an angry one, I truly felt like nobody could understand the darkness inside me, so I buried it in layers of spiteful humour. Don't misunderstand, I loved being a student, moving to a new city, making new friends, learning; it was amazing!When I was in my second year, From holidays, weddings, and social events to simple conversations, there are significant blanks in my life that I frequently find myself lying about.

I hate the way of thinking of the grass is always greener - to me that says that you should be grateful for what you have because someone else wants it. It seems to me that everywhere I look people are thriving in their careers, friendships, relationships, and in who they are as people, while I’m scrambling to find purchase. My loved ones seem so sure of their place in the world, and I’m just itching to carve out a new one. Spending all my time thinking "why me" or "why not me" is such a passive and pathetic way to live, and I just won't do it anymore.